Five-Phrase Friday (31): Holy Hand Grenade

This week, from the British comedy classic film Monty Python and the Holy Grail, an irreverent look back at why King Arthur and his knights never celebrated Easter, though they sought the Holy Grail above all else.

WARNING: This post features graphic images of wildlife committing “foul, cruel and bad-tempered” violence with “nasty, big, pointy teeth” against medieval Christian men, and includes text promoting vengeful violence, sanctioned by God and in God’s name, of said Christians against said wildlife. Visitor discretion is advised.

Chapter: “The Holy Hand Grenade”

Problem: The group have followed Tim the Enchanter to a cave the walls of which bear Aramaic runes describing the location of the Holy Grail. But how are King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table to defeat the dreaded, bloody beast–the flying, murderous white rabbit that guards the opening of this, The Cave of Caerbannog?


By following these crucial, sacred steps, of course!

1 (identify the solution): “Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.”

2 (find the instructions): “Consult the ‘Book of Armaments.’”

3 (read the Word): “Armaments, Chapter 2, Verses 9 to 21.”

Michael Palin as cleric: “And St. Attila (pron. AT-til-uh) raised the hand grenade up on high saying, O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy. And the Lord did grin and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths (long o) and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large–”

Eric Idle as presiding cleric Brother Maynard: “Skip a bit, Brother.”

Palin: “And the Lord spake saying, First shalt thou take out the holy pin, then shalt thou count to three–no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it. Amen.”

4 (implement the Gospel): Arthur, King of the Britons (Graham Chapman), says, “Right. One, two, five.” – John Cleese as Sir Lancelot: “Three, sir.” – Arthur: “Three!”

5: Lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade.

No, seriously, it must be done! If you don’t believe me, just look at this vicious blood lust!


And for a bonus way of celebrating Easter, visit the official site of Monty Python and the Holy Grail to get 30% off all Killer Rabbits from the UK store.


Happy Holidays!


Text borrowed from the film Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Photos credit: 1974 National Film Trustee Company Limited. Python (Monty) Pictures, Ltd.

As viewed via DVD video 2001 Special Edition from Columbia TriStar Home Entertainment.

5 thoughts on “Five-Phrase Friday (31): Holy Hand Grenade

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