To Read: Peak

To Read: Peak

Photo credit: Eric Kilby on Visual hunt / CC BY-SA

The Work at Hand

It’s the middle of April, and I’m behind on my Camp NaNo page count goal. Way behind. But I’ve still been busy reading, writing, brainstorming, and doing other things–like eating regular meals that I actually cooked (more often than in the past)–to fuel my progress. It’s the peak of the month’s mountain, but I have yet to reach my peak, and that’s okay. I’m making progress, and I get back on the horse and ride, every day.

Effort is a healthy portion of success, along with setting goals to focus those efforts, which I’ve done. And based on past experience with month-long writing marathons, I know I can catch up, but also that if I don’t, I’ll keep writing next month, and the month after that. The will and the ways are here. There’s forward motion. And I’m attending our helpful, weekly local write-ins and word sprints.

In those word sprints, I get words down on the page in large quantities. I’ve had practice at it, and I know how to turn on the juice. I have a sense of purpose, several projects I’m rotating through, and reliable writing tools at hand.

In other words, being behind on my established schedule toward my goal means very little in the grand scheme. With the help of Camp, I’ve set the goal in the first place and made more headway than I would have without it. I’m learning to keep reaching and keep thinking positively because of these events. With more opportunities like these, I’ll get better and better as I practice the habits.

Choosing Your Thoughts and Influences

While engaged in writing projects, I frequently come across sources that affirm the worth of pursuing them. This period has brought several.

When we aspire, when we strive to attain our ambitions, sometimes fear and doubt get in the way. Anyone with an ounce of humility has experienced some form of these triggers and, as a result, paused or even gave up on a goal. Writers and artists, perhaps more than many types of professionals, can experience the dreaded, more acute form of this fear and doubt, called “impostor syndrome.” I’m just not good enough. I’m not a real writer. No one will ever read my work. Etc. The Internal Critics Committee.

This condition is often based on the commonly held cultural belief that if you don’t start with great talent, your chances of success diminish. This idea, as it turns out, is far from true.

There are many ways to the top of a career. In all but the rarest of cases, no one keeps climbing or stays on top with only one factor on board every time, however convenient it might be to believe cynically in the ultimate power of one factor: genetics, age, race, sex, class, health, creed, nation, ethnicity, immigrant status, talent, education level, job title, confidence, charm, luck, physical beauty, notoriety, intelligence, inheritance, nepotism, ruthlessness, absolute shamelessness, and so on. If only I’d been smarter, richer, prettier, whiter, taller, male, etc., . . . then I would have succeeded.

Such views oversimplify life’s complexity, ignoring other areas of privilege that offset perceived deficiencies and drowning individuals in a sea of wasteful excuses and needless handicaps. Besides, it’s almost always quite unnecessary to be at the very top. (See my numerous posts on perfectionism.)

Equally important is the understanding that, in all but the rarest of cases, it also takes more than one factor or event to seal one’s fate in permanent failure. Life offers lots of chances, but we need to have faith and hope in the next day, in ourselves, and in each other, to be open to recognizing opportunities and potential, and to be resilient enough to keep trying. We have to be brave enough to trust and humble enough to seek help when needed. We must blend patience with persistence.

We also need to let go of false ambitions, of goals imposed from the outside, of the unrealistic definition of success and this limited, and limiting, sense of its requirements. We need a growth, instead of a fixed, mindset. Once we choose better ways of thinking and better thoughts, our lives are freer to climb out of the pit of stagnating cynicism.

Sooner or later, you either decide to stop being crippled by jealousy, frustration, misfortune, failure, or learned helplessness, and really focus on your own work, or you resign yourself to settling, whether admittedly or not. If we let it, adversity strengthens, failure teaches, and bouncing back rewards us. You get on with it, or you get nowhere.

So, really, I guess you could say there are some “requirements” for success, all otherwise known as “attitude” and “character.” And a little passion doesn’t hurt.

An Open Mind, a Willing Heart

But I want to focus on the unique challenge in this cloud of misconceptions about talent, specifically. To earnest takers of a chance, who also face doubt and fear, the challenge is to open our minds to possibilities and, then, to the recently researched data and the conclusions reputable researchers have drawn about that data. The action I encourage is this:

Believe in your growth potential, at any age, based on the scientific fact that no skill is innate, or remains honed, but is learnable and masterable and requires practice to keep.

In other words, talent matters so much less than our culture claims or believes it does. Sure, starting with a gift helps, but “deliberate practice” matters far more. Diligence, discipline, study, exercise, repetition. The foundation of mastery is made less out of giftedness and privilege and more out of steady, persistent, purpose-driven, and wisely shaped (smarter not harder) work.

As an English teacher, my high school classroom approach and motto, the center of a teaching philosophy created as part of earning my masters in education, came down to this: “With effort, intelligence grows.” The idea is that intelligence, the dexterity of the mind, though the brain starts in a certain place, gets better through active study and interaction with the sources and instruments of knowledge and skill.

A Book to Read

This is why I find the book I just stumbled upon so compelling to buy and read. As with all humans, I like its central message because it speaks to my own belief. What’s more, based on a peek inside, the book promises to back up that belief with science in a convincing, readable way. And if I can use that resource to help myself or others succeed, then that’s what I intend to do.

In my online travels, first I was reading Jane Friedman’s writing and publishing blog, which led me to Barbara Baig’s website, which led me to the book in question. An excerpt from Baig’s book, Spellbinding Sentences: An Author’s Guide to Achieving Excellence and Captivating Readers, was posted as Spellbinding Sentences: 3 Qualities of Masterful Word Choice at JaneFriedman.com.

Barbara Baig’s home page at WhereWritersLearn.com refers to the principles behind her work, including mastery and deliberate practice, and recommends the source of those influences:

Peak: Secrets from the New Science of Expertise by Anders Ericsson and Robert Pool. I read the introduction about Mozart and perfect pitch, liked the writing style, found it credible, insightful and fascinating, and made my decision. (Another stumbled-upon nugget!: Baig further samples and clarifies what Peak is about in another post on Jane Friedman’s site: If You Just Keep Writing, Will You Get Better? In a word, no.)

Today, I add Peak to my Amazon cart and my Goodreads to-read list.

Another great resource focuses both on what it takes to become an expert and on how to make the most and best possible impact in your career: 80000hours.org.

Of course, Jane Friedman has other gems along the same lines, such as 5 Things More Important Than Talent, which I recommend reading and absorbing if you’ve ever even slightly teetered on the edge of developing impostor syndrome.

My mind is alert and exploring these days, which is to say, although I’m feeling a bit scattered, it is not without purpose and some good outcomes. I believe I’m making important connections, realizations, and choices in the process. Not all rabbit holes lack rabbits, after all.

And Back to Work

Keep writing, reading, doing, succeeding.


 

Camp Na . . . Writing Month

As you know if you follow my blog, my posts tend to be rather long. You may even have suspected that this trend impedes productivity and flow as a result. Very perceptive of you. To modify the pattern, for this April’s Camp NaNoWriMo, I’ve devised a hybrid project aimed at making me write more content more often.

Camp is not just for noveling; it allows a more relaxed diversity of focus for participants than the November event. You can go the traditional novel writing route, or you can edit, write poetry, write non-fiction, or do other writing perhaps related to your professional work. You can also measure your progress in minutes, hours, words, or pages.

Mine this time is part journaling, part memoir, poem, or novel development, and part blog-a-thon. The flexibility of topics and modes should work in my favor, freeing me to focus on getting that ink out and onto the page.

My goal is a total of 100 pages of material by May 1st. The Camp NaNo website says I’ll want to shoot for a total of about 4 pages per day to reach that goal. So far, I’ve started slow due to late-night computer wrestling, which led to my napping today, along with a lingering stomach ache from the weekend. But I’m confident I’ll get on track soon.

I’ve broken the 100-page goal down into separate smaller goals for different purposes, genres, and modes.

A. at least 50 screen pages on blog comprised of

  • minimum 10 separate, completed blog posts (not counting solely photo collage posts)—whether published, scheduled or just fully drafted—that then will be distributed to provide a portion of my blog content over the next several months
  • at a maximum of 5 screen pages per post (can be fewer!), not counting photo/visual portions of a screen in a mixed text-images post

B. 28 word-processed document pages – single-spaced, 12 pt serif font, 1 inch margins all around, line breaks for paragraph breaks okay—for memoir, novel drafting, or other projects (NOT the blog)

C. 10 handwritten pages – purpose oriented (or 7-8 handwritten + 7-8 word-processed pages) w/ strong potential to be added to any new or existing project. NOTE: Journaling doesn’t count, but these pages may be used for blog drafting.

D. 12 journal entries (counted as pages) – Journal at least 1 handwritten page or 1/2 typed single-spaced page, wholly separate from blog content, at least 3 times a week or more as needed.

The blog post writing portion might produce a combination of posts already in the queue, new ideas, and revival or spin-offs of old ideas or previous series. The handwriting will help with creativity, as I find my work is better in that mode, especially as a starting point.

And the journals will serve as reflection on the process, venting about frustrations to free up my psyche for other writing, and a brainstorming platform. The format of the entries will be highly flexible and may consist of word lists or question lists, along with more traditional “I did this today” banter.

But whatever I write, the page count is the key.

To help myself stay on task, I’ve got page-count tally sheets ready and pockets of writing time scheduled on my calendar for the entire month. But when adding a ton of stuff to the calendar, it’s important to realize that other things will fall by the way side.

I’ve set aside some of my household duties, letting my husband know, and resolved to take a break from tutoring for the month of April. As long as my health holds up, I’ll leave the house almost every day if I need to find writing time without distractions like cooking, dog care, and house maintenance. I’m also going to make a greater effort to go to bed and get up earlier than I have been.

In the writing process, I’ll also need to minimize photo editing and hunting, save all hyperlink cross-referencing for later if possible, and otherwise focus on just the words that make up written pages. I also need to prioritize my blog post tags; that list often gets out of hand. You might even see me opening the windows a crack to let those typos in. Fair warning.

I recently joined Weight Watchers and, though I’ve been doing well with it, I’m prepared to stumble a little this month in my tracking, food choices, and progress for the sake of getting more writing done. Forgiveness is baked in.

Overall, I decided I need to give myself the space and the permission to make writing top priority, and Camp NaNoWriMo is great about helping writers do that.

Thankfully, I will have the support of fellow campers in our virtual cabin and in-person write-ins with some of those folks once a week, to commiserate, help keep each other accountable, and harness the power of common purpose in our individual endeavors. I may also tap into NaNo’s support features like Twitter word sprints or Thursday virtual write-ins.

Good luck to all participants in Camp NaNo, National Poetry Writing Month (Happy National Poetry Month!), non-fiction or other writing, as well as whatever personal or professional projects or goals you’ve set for April or spring.

Oh, it’s on. That’s Camp Na-NoNonMemJourPoBlo-WriMo, er something. Sounds vaguely French. Allez! Le même jour! Oui ou Non?

See this blog’s archive for posts about work I did for past Camp NaNo events.

Not So NaNoWriMo

I’m not doin’ so hot. In fact, I’m not doing much at all. The counter on my NaNoWriMo widget to the right on your screen may not say it all, but I think it does signal a departure of some kind. One week of novel writing to go, and I stopped writing almost the day I began, seven days into the month. Instead, when I attended write-ins, I wrote some memoir, did some journal writing, took notes toward a book review, and started my next major blog post draft about Argyll.

The National Novel Writing Month program, this event, continues to attract enthusiastic veteran participants: the imperative to write a novel, a story, a fictional narrative, 50,000 words of it in 30 days. Year after year, my friends dive in and sprint those fingers into victory. I, too, would run the race to the finish, understanding that everyone’s end point is as different as each story premise. But sometimes I wish we could just sit together and talk without working on a writing project. (Currently, my only nearby friends are writing friends.)

I have never finished a NaNoWriMo novel since I began participating in 2011. While that’s not unusual for participants, in October of this year, preparing for the mad dash, I told myself that this would be a good personal goal to pursue—to finish a story at last.

But maybe I’m discovering a different kind of finishing. I had almost no desire to participate this year, as much as I tried to brainstorm, read some previous years’ pep talks, and show up for our region’s kick-off and subsequent write-ins. I would say to myself and a select few others a line that was some variation of “I’m just not feelin’ it.” But I wasn’t really trying all that hard to feel it, either.

So, what’s going on? Am I bored with National Novel Writing Month? Perhaps. Was it a nice run while it lasted? I suppose. Am I just not made for novel writing? Quite possible. I do prefer writing essays and poetry most of the time. I also prefer reading novels to writing them. I finished another long book not on the classics book club reading list while also reading for the club. I thoroughly enjoyed John Steinbeck’s East of Eden. I also prefer facilitating, helping, and teaching others about writing over writing myself, but I haven’t been doing much more than the usual online tutoring in the way of teaching or guiding.

Some of that has to do with my wavering health this fall, some with my focus on the dog and my blog.

Health-wise, I went from limiting neck and back problems to exhausting abdominal pain from a medical procedure to annoying cold and sinus infection to worrisome gut destruction from the antibiotics. I think I might just be coming out of that now–maybe. I was able to enjoy Thanksgiving victuals but not much of the atmosphere and company that go with the food. My mother had to come over and help us clean to prepare for hosting Thanksgiving, which we do every year. With how I felt the day before the day, I was seriously considering cancelling or postponing. But in my weakened state, I had little strength to protest. We’d already bought the turkey and started thawing it. On with the show.

One thing I’ve noticed: When we think we’re getting better as an event comes into play, sometimes, we’re just rallying, rising to the occasion only to collapse all the more afterwards when our body reminds us we’re sick. That happened to my husband at the company Thanksgiving dinner the week before, and to me next.

So that’s the health side of retreat from NaNoWriMo. But what about the genuine disinterest and alternative priorities side?

Yes, those are real.

Priority: dog training. I took Thanksgiving week off from tutoring, but I threw myself off the couch and into the car for the dog’s agility class on Black Friday. I had not anticipated sleeping for so long that afternoon, having already slept in quite late to begin with. My husband was capitalizing on a Black Friday deal while I napped with the dog, and he had time only to shower upon his return. It wasn’t until 10 minutes before time to hit the road that he called to me.

The intervention was a word of awakening: Get up; it’s time to go. I looked at the clock, and it was literally the minute we should have been driving away, but I wasn’t dressed, hadn’t taken medication recently, and didn’t have a shower, and, oh my god, do I have to go? I could have slept through the evening and probably overnight.

Still, we went, and since hubby hasn’t been attending class, I was somehow able to be the handler, running Ethan through the training exercises at class. I had to break for the toilet only once and drank lots of Gatorade in between turns. My trainer reminded me to increase my probiotic intake as well, which I did. This was all happening in the transition from one antibiotic, Amoxicillin, to another, Cipro. I hoped the new one wouldn’t utterly obliterate my digestive tract, too. So far, it has been better, but stomach upset remains a risk, and I’m just feeling run down. And now we’re back to talking about sickness again.

The agility arena is a 35-minute drive eastward from our house, and class takes an hour and a half. No small investment of time, energy, and endurance of road bumps on an upset stomach. And the poor dog hasn’t had much exercise lately either. I haven’t yet gotten around to hiring a dog walker or sending him to periodic doggy day care visits. We had been going to the dog park rather frequently, but now it’s raining and still too cold for me to be willing to venture out while on the mend. That means running him inside the house or walking him around the neighborhood. With my husband back to work and night falling fast these days, it’s up to me.

I tried walking around the block yesterday with my boys, and although I made it home, the second half of the walk was rough on the tummy and a bit slower than the first. So despite feeling better today, I was reluctant to send myself into that zone again. Instead, I’m writing this, and the dog is getting into trouble, chewing on things he shouldn’t in his boredom. I’ve already run him up and down the stairs and across the 1st floor rooms for treats today and played tug of war with him a few minutes ago, but he needs an actual walk, too. He typically won’t do his solid business except on a walk, until he can’t hold it any longer and is forced to go in the yard.

Having a “soft” tempered, or sensitive, dog can be challenging. Even though he’s perfectly healthy and quite athletic otherwise, he has persnickety quirks about, among others, walking on wet ground and soiling his territory, so he doesn’t make deviations from the active routine a simple matter. Thankfully, his fearfulness has decreased dramatically over the past several months, and he’s actually comfortable receiving affection now. No small feats!

Priority: blog. But the dog takes up some time, and so does the blog. These are choices I have made, investments of time I have committed to. If I were gainfully employed part-time (tutoring is a fraction of that), my schedule could force me to make the time for things like NaNoWriMo, but my will and preferences wouldn’t stop resisting.

The truth is I’ve had misgivings about novel writing ever since I started to try it. And those misgivings feel like more than the typical doubt and fear of writer’s block or imposter syndrome. I just don’t like writing stories as much as my peers do. I prefer writing poems and essays. I often prefer reading nonfiction to reading novels. But it’s also true that novel writing is hard, and it doesn’t take much to deter non-devotees. The project is a larger undertaking with greater complexity than most poems or essays.

The spirit of NaNoWriMo is all about “writing with reckless abandon.” I’ve seen glimpses of myself doing this in previous Novembers, but I think it would take more than a month-long word sprint for me to embrace the spirit fully. And maybe I just don’t have that “more,” whatever it is. Or, maybe I’ll be more interested next year.

I hadn’t written much for a while leading up to November, and I didn’t really miss it. Writing is part of who I am, but it’s far from the whole picture, and my hesitations extend to making a career focused on writing. As frustrating as the tutoring can be at times, it’s currently one of only a few ways I can be an educator. My blog is another. What I am missing is the social interaction and speaking and energy of face-to-face teaching.

So, once healthy, my life could use further balancing out, but we all lose our balance sometimes. It may be time for a new adventure, a new chapter, a new focus, or a renewed one. I just hope my friends and I can make peace with whatever direction my relationship to NaNoWriMo ends up taking.

And to all those still working hard and happily on their novels this month, press on.

NaNoWriMo Prep Resources 2018

After several years of writing novels during November, I’m finally starting to get more organized about the online guides I rely on to keep trying to make it work. Note that this post doesn’t explicitly include print books or other print materials, of which there are many excellent examples. And one caveat for you: Start with a good story idea. Brainstorm if you need a well-developed idea or premise to start with. It will help to visualize your idea in the context of the following developmental helpers for story writing.

Featured Resource: The Write Practice

The website Thewritepractice.com is quickly becoming my go-to NaNo prep resource this year. I’ll spare you the effort to recall exactly how I happened upon it. The point is I’ve found it really helpful, full of a-ha moments. Here are some of the particular a-ha moment articles I recommend so far, whether you’re a planner, a pantser, or aren’t sure what kind of approach you take yet but just might want to try writing a novel.

I find each article engaging and digestible, and each ends with a writing prompt exercise. I’m using them to recall and dive deeper into the principles of story writing as I figure out what my novel will be about this November. I hope you find something insightful in them.

A handful of other great materials I’ve found useful since 2011, my first year of NaNoWriMo:

National Novel Writing Month Young Writers Program Workbook (download the high school pdf) – Worksheets on everything from finding a premise to determining setting and conflict to writing good dialogue to choosing types of antagonists and more.

A Compendium of Novel Structure Resources – Just during drafting of this post, I found from Storm Writing School what might be the mother lode. It captures and links to 7 of the story structure systems and resources I’ve consulted or used in the past (Syd Field, Dan Wells, Christopher Vogler, Larry Brooks, Blake Snyder, K.M. Weiland, and Dramatica!), plus many I’ve never heard of! The article addresses the nature of acts (Act I, Act II, Act III) and organizes the resources into three aspects or types of structural frameworks–named stages, plot point outlines, and process guides. Check it out!

Brainstorming, Outlining, Drafting, Progress Tracking, Moral Support, and Organizational Tools including Mindly; AirTable; Nanowrimo.org library, word sprint tool, stats and goal trackers, pep talks, forums, and their blog; Writeometer and other word sprint/progress tracking tools; Scrivener; and PlumeCreator (open source).

Happy noveling or whatever writing you do!


If you enjoyed this post or want to know more about my personal novel writing journey and what NaNoWriMo–and Camp NaNoWriMo–can be like, I recommend:

Croak

We might croak.

We might kick the bucket, we might shuffle off the mortal coil, or maybe even push up daisies and become food for worms. However we go, all of us, most certainly, will die.

Edward Young’s expression to “join the great majority” goes a long way toward erasing one’s sense of individuality. I prefer George Eliot’s approach, and would love to “join the choir invisible.” (Thank you, convenient Wikipedia.) I’ve always wanted to sing. Not like a frog, but sing nonetheless.

However, I have no interest in farms and would not care much to buy one.

To the degree that “sleeping with the fishes” implies being murdered and dumped in a body of water, I suppose there are worse ways to go. I don’t mind fish so much, nor sleeping.

“Kicking the bucket” actually derives from hanging, in which one kicks the bucket from under one’s feet so gravity can do its full work. Having a bucket list, therefore, might for some carry a dark undertone of the potential for suicide once everything’s crossed off your list.

My ass is somewhat large but relatively normal, so I suppose I should not be averse to kissing it good-bye, were I able to reach it.

But whether I find myself taking a dirt nap six feet under or riding the pale horse on the last train to glory, I know there is this final step I must take, whether of my own volition or not.

I’d almost rather be eaten by a large predatory animal–after, of course, being neatly and painlessly killed by the blow from a paw or the tonic of a poison–than to be reduced to ashes of lesser usefulness, or less heft. I seem to recall musical artist and singer Björk making a similar comment, that she wanted to die violently, by being eaten by a tiger or spattered with lava. (Icelanders . . . Björk.)

Diseases are pretty far down the list of most people’s preferred ways to die, but some diseases are more merciful than others.

A few years ago, a fellow writer and budding friend of mine died of cancer. She was my age, in her late thirties. Before we lost her, I had helped her refine her application essay to an MFA writing program, and she, as part of our writing group, had critiqued a nature poem of mine.

Now, every November, when my circle of friends and I participate in National Novel Writing Month, we commemorate her gift and passion, marking her departure from our lives with a day named for her, Anna’s Day, November 17th. On that day, in that week, and, for some of us, all month and intermittently throughout the year, we include her in our thoughts if not also somehow in our work. She also happened to die five days after my great aunt, who also died of cancer. It’s not easy for me to forget that week of the year.

Anna didn’t like how my poem ended. In fact, she hated it. And she did not hesitate to tell me so or attempt to soften her words to dampen her feelings, or spare mine. As I age and grow closer to death than any time since my birth (for all I know), I’m increasingly grateful for that. Useful feedback from others on a piece under construction should never be totally devoid of bold frankness or hard truths. We can’t grow without learning of our work’s flaws.

Comparatively with my other efforts, this poem was a bit of a disaster for several reasons. Yet, I felt strongly, even after receiving Anna’s notes, that the ending was far from the biggest problem. The rhythm was clunky, the lines too long. I used, as I often do, too many hyphenated phrases that become tongue twisters. In the space of one poem of 83 lines with an average of 8 or fewer words in each, there were too many different subjects and ideas competing for attention.

Perhaps above all, the themes and messages were too well concealed so that the whole became a mystery wrapped in an enigma trapped inside a puzzle pretending to be a solvable riddle. Too obscure, too obtuse, too evasive to connect with the reader. Smart writing group members couldn’t grasp my meaning. My mom understood, but she knows me very well and knows my writing, so she had an advantage. We don’t write just for Mom. When I’m apparently trying to be too clever, as in that poem, I suppose there is a dimness to my feelings or a cowardice that hides them from my readers.

At any rate, the poem, though couched in nature and wildlife appreciation, was most centrally about the persistent triumph of depression and a negative outlook over the struggle to feel alive and happy. That last line, the ending that Anna so despised, was “because when I said it I meant it, ‘Life sucks.'” Negative, true, but also inelegant.

Of course, Anna was dying of cancer at the time and doing her best to live for the moment, accomplish her goals, be her best self more than ever–in every way to rage against her dying light. How could anyone, perhaps especially a writer, a fellow poet, and someone she liked reasonably well, genuinely feel this way about the thing she desperately clung to with all her soul? Her response to such a statement might have been visceral, possibly even a kind of revulsion.

I don’t know whether she read the whole poem before starting her critique. If she did, it means she was probably a better person, a better beta reader, than I, because it means she tamped down her horror long enough to comment constructively on much more than just that nasty ending. Perhaps she was a better person than I in lots of ways. She was very likeable, friendly, and easygoing when I first met her. Clearly intelligent, astute, with a sense of humor and fellowship, she fought hard to live in spite of her death sentence.

But in truth, I didn’t know Anna all that well. Perhaps if I had, her indirect and sometimes direct message of carpe diem would have influenced me more strongly, made more of a difference. One time, in response to the question of what to do with feedback after a writing group discussion of her work sample, she said to a mixed crowd of some who knew her situation and some who had just met her, “I don’t believe in tomorrow, for lots of reasons.” She’ll take her feedback immediately, please and thank you.

I still put things off, I still take things for granted, I still undervalue my work, but I do think a lot about Anna. I think about her reaction to my autobiographical declaration in that final poetic line, and I marvel at how different people’s experiences of life, of its goodness, of its meaning, of our esteem and appreciation of it can be. I notice how even knowing that you’re going to die might not bring out a noble response in you, at least not all the time. Sometimes adversity just kicks our asses and wins the trophy.

Perhaps it was Anna’s sense of the permanence, the finality of committing that last contemptible line to print, and possibly posterity, that stood against everything she stood for. I could almost hear her: If you’re going to leave a legacy, make it encouraging, inspiring, life affirming. I’ll never know, but the poem was both. It both affirmed life and lamented the inability, the often extreme difficulty at least, to affirm it.

We wish across each other. She may have wished, in addition to not having to die, that her sense of the preciousness of life could be felt by all those around her, whether they knew they were dying soon or not, particularly in that moment when she read of someone’s opposite feeling. I wished I had had more time with her, to learn from her, to build a friendship. I often wish for that sense of imminent death, without death itself, that’s supposed to kick you in the pants and make you produce things, be better, live fully.

Maybe it’s my signals of ambivalence that so irritate the dying woman who knows she’s dying. Don’t whine. Either get it over with or get on with it. Don’t hem and haw. Pick a side and charge ahead. Irrevocably, we have so little time to lose.

As I age, my health seems to grow more precarious from different directions. I’m aware of some of the signs, if not all. I’ve got way too many medical specialist physicians.

“We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this special announcement,” that the writer has left the writing room so she can book a weekend getaway in Hocking Hills State Park to enjoy hiking, ziplining, and adventures with husband and dog. Carpe diem. . . .

And what did I do instead? I talked about my health with my husband, did some drug and physiological research, exorcised my fears a little–all useful activities, to a point. But when will I get around to a spontaneous leaping toward joy? Answering that, of course, would contradict the intention and fundamentally change the action’s nature.

Unless the answer is “never.” In that case, internal consistency prevails. I long ago compromised courage so as to avoid hypocrisy. Principles being principles, habits being habits, and all of these forming my identity, why would I pull the rug out now?

At bottom, I perceive one of my life’s purposes to be to earn, perpetually, the right to happiness. I don’t deserve it outright (does anyone really deserve anything, good or bad?), and I have trouble accepting it as a gift for fear of much harsher punishment as a direct response to its indulgence. In order to stave off the dropping of the other shoe, I walk around barefoot. Deprivation is my insurance policy.

The only trouble is, that doesn’t really work either. It leads exactly to the attitude expressed in my awe-filled and awful poem. And so it becomes a tug of war between, on one side, some kind of Catholic guilt-driven, Puritanical self-denial and, on the other, owning and claiming my truth while pursuing my passions. Between feeling just and feeling justified. Between “should” and “want.”

One half is always holding back the other; the other half is always straining to break free. Being locked in combat with myself like this, I envy as I compare others’ successes to my stagnation, and that comparison, and subsequent judgment, results in low self-esteem and depression.

This is why a psyche like mine can always use another dose of Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way program. She talks a lot about giving oneself permission to try, to fail, to be oneself, to invest in one’s art, no matter what anybody else says or does. She describes the pitfalls of the virtue trap, the thinking that being virtuous somehow leads to happiness. It doesn’t inherently do so, no. She really tapped into a selling strategy by couching the artist’s way as “a spiritual journey to higher creativity,” guided by fate, destiny, God, or some other force that only wants the best for us and calls us to express ourselves.

I don’t believe in an active, anthropomorphic God or even in the supernatural more broadly, per se. But I have seen truth to the good that can come from believing in myself and focusing my energy where my deepest instincts and greatest loves reside. So much for intuition. As an introverted thinker, an incorrigible intellectual I suppose, I’ve always lived primarily in and through my mind. Thus, the philosophy degree and the sense that the whole spectrum of reality is to me merely theoretical. So much for intellect.

If nothing beyond that cerebrally weighted attention occurs, perhaps the effort is enough. Maybe that’s my way of embracing life. Just keep doing what you’re doing. The end is not all, but it’s coming. When it does, will you be able to say that at least you tried your best? Will you look back with a sense of restless bitterness or of peace and love? Will you remain open hearted and open minded, receptive to mystery, surprise, and wonder? Will you know transcendence beyond pain and pettiness? I suppose these are decent enough measures of life’s quality.

You thought this post was going to be about frogs, didn’t you? Well, according to my train wreck of a poem, indirectly, it is.

Cheshire Cat’s Message: An Original Poem

The following is a sample of my work during NaNoWriMo 2017 on a novel begun during Camp NaNoWriMo, July 2016. I originally shared the poem along with (1) my list of excuses for not having written much in fall 2017, (2) explanation and promotion of NaNoWriMo, (3) commentary on my novel-writing process, and (4) an excerpt, a scene from the same novel. These parts together comprise the post “Noveling in November.”

So here it is, from early November 2017, a fanciful rhyme belying, until the final stanza, the general unease of all in Looking-Glass Land under the White King’s regime.

To the Ray Harvesters from Cheshire Cat’s Pub

Let me sell you some sunshine
from the broad eastern plain
so you won’t have to reach so high up that tree
to catch the sun’s rays, blocked by dense
branches and lofty foliage from harvesting.

They have plenty of sun back east
where drought is too long creating
mirages in a soon-to-be-desert
and the drunkards stumble to the tavern’s threshold
only to find invisible smiling cats.

The sun is not useful there
where they block it with blinds
of thick wool and old wood planks
in the one building where infamy lives,
but barely, while liquor flows and cats nap.

The ground there is golden
with burnt grass and bright dirt, mocking
the yellow of sun beams wished
for growing green things, which you have
in abundance in your abundant shade.

Could we make a trade, perhaps,
a bargain of sorts? Rain for sun,
damp for dry, and a stoop of rum
or a sprig of thyme, for good measure
and good faith, or if you’d prefer,
some visions ground from your own toadstools?

It won’t be long now before you’ll
pale in the dearth of light on your western earth
and we’ll shrivel in the hot white searing
of sod and sand and roof on this edge of things.
We must take care of each other, or what are we?

© copyright C. L. Tangenberg

Somehow, I rattled that one off in about 25 minutes after drafting a scene that takes place at the Cheshire Cat’s pub, a place I invented. It probably helped that I came fresh from studying poetry and contemplating the craft of verse writing as part of my responses to a friend’s questionnaire for profiling me as an artist on her blog, in two parts: here and here. Thanks again, HL Gibson!

It also helps to be writing regularly, I must remember. The more often one practices. . . .