Caveat/Warning/Disclaimer/Note: This post is not for the faint of heart, i.e., the wimps. Explicit language included. Proceed with caution and discretion. Or don’t proceed, of course. It’s your choice. Choose wisely. Wise choices are good. I commend those who choose them. This might be you. Bravo, discerning consumer. Pat yourself on the back, but maybe wait until after you read. Rewards are best postponed until after a goal is reached or task completed. That way, you actually get stuff done.
For the foreseeable future (not sure what that is), this is my final set of five phrases for Friday as I transition into other projects. If you missed some or all of the other 39, just search my blog by “Friday,” and they should all come up. They are also collected in their own menu section on the home page.
This post is dedicated to my husband since the topic was his suggestion last year. Disclaimer: We both like cats just fine, he probably more so than me, so this is all in jest. See also the additional disclaimer below the list.
For those of us with a preference for dogs over cats, and who enjoy jokes about how cats are the Devil’s minions, here are five ways to skin a cat, including method and evaluation:
- After anaesthetic — most humane
- Using a serrated blade — most efficient
- Shark Week, anyone? — most entertaining
- With its own claws — most creative
- Tail first — most challenging
Further disclaimer: Neither my husband nor I endorses the act of literally skinning animals of any species unless done respectfully, after the animal is confirmed dead, and for food, fuel, or other means of survival and sustaining life. We begrudge no farmer, distributor, or butcher his or her profits, and we won’t be joining PETA, but we also love animals in a peaceful, affectionate way without violence or intent to harm or inflict pain or death. We find them cute and funny and sweet, we like to laugh at them, and make fun of them, sometimes tease them (though not excessively), and also tickle them. We encourage this sort of relationship with animals. In other words, if we catch you neglecting, overtly abusing, or otherwise being cavalier with the health, well-being, or life of a domestic or wild animal, you will be shot on sight (with a camera) and reported to the proper authorities, you sick bastard. Cat skinning is for figurative expression only, as a reminder of the wonderful innovations and problem-solving skills of humanity–and its animal companions.
A note for the weekend: If you’ll be enjoying barbecue over the 4th of July holiday (whether in patriotism or mere coincidence as a non-American), make sure it’s not cat, horse, or especially dog meat. Wild, farmed, or displaced–but non-threatened or endangered–pigs, cows, sheep, goats, lambs, calves, birds, shellfish, fish, nematodes, turtles, snakes, frogs, insects, bugs, vegetables, legumes, grains, eggs, cheese, and fruit will serve. (Good luck figuring out how to barbecue all that.) Also, don’t eat people. If you’re vegetarian, vegan, or fruitarian and any of these statements offend you, I don’t care. Lighten up.
Also, please spay and neuter your cats (even if you don’t like to see them as being yours; understandable, but no wily disownership now). And protect your dogs (all dogs) from dehydration, vehicle traffic, long toenails, pest infestations, toads, holiday costumes, gratuitous bathing, and those scary fireworks, and kids, and cats.
Happy Independence Day. Freiheit!
Miss anything, or just want seconds? Bon appetit.
Five-Phrase Fridays (All)
- Five-Phrase Friday (1) – hints of politics in poetry
- Five-Phrase Friday (2) – snippets (tippets?) of Emily Dickinson
- Five-Phrase Friday (3) – terms of endearment for my dog
- Five-Phrase Friday (4) – compound modifiers in action
- Five-Phrase Friday (5) – 1980s comedic cinema
- Five-Phrase Friday (6) – favorite Apples to Apples matchups
- Five-Phrase Friday (7) – funny, punny small-town slogans
- Five-Phrase Friday (8) – select lines from cherished poems
- Five-Phrase Friday (9) – Shakespeare-style insults
- Five-Phrase Friday (10) – Outlander‘s Frasers & Mackenzies
- Five-Phrase Friday (11) – Halloweenish rock band names
- Five-Phrase Friday (12) – phonetics of bird calls
- Five-Phrase Friday (13) – Emily Dickinson reprise
- Five-Phrase Friday (14) – portrait of a cycle of terrorism
- Five-Phrase Friday (15) – blessings I’m thankful for
- Five-Phrase Friday (16) – first and last lines from my NaNoWriMo novels
- Five-Phrase Friday (17) – best songs on a beloved Christmas album
- Five-Phrase Friday (18) – books on perfectionism (we shall overcome…)
- Five-Phrase Friday (19) – five pop culture lists of five great things
- Five-Phrase Fridays 2015 – round-up of the first 19 posts
- Five-Phrase Friday (20) – from George Eliot’s novel Middlemarch
- Five-Phrase Friday (21) – my own bits of spring green verse
- Five-Phrase Friday (22) – reasons to save freedom of expression
- Five-Phrase Friday (23) – awesome animals around the world
- Five-Phrase Friday (24) – 2016 book reading plans–most worked out!
- Five-Phrase Friday (25) – contradictions in terms, expressions that lie
- Five-Phrase Friday (26) – odd, resonant poem titles, W. Szymborska (bonus lists)
- Five-Phrase Friday (27) – on film contenders for the 88th Academy Awards
- Five-Phrase Friday (28) – more awesome animals, in translation
- Five-Phrase Friday (29) – on the trend of using puns for cosmetic color names
- Five-Phrase Friday (30) – Briticisms from travel mag London 2016 Guide
- Five-Phrase Friday (31) – bloody bunny breakdown, Monty Python style
- Five-Phrase Friday (32) – lines on perfectionism from poet Maggie Anderson
- Five-Phrase Friday (33) – my list of best dog breeds (bonus list)
- Five-Phrase Friday (34) – predators and prey in my own nature verse
- Five-Phrase Friday (35) – satirical verse about verse, Kenneth Koch
- Five-Phrase Friday (36) – Outlander Season 2, laughter through tears
- Five-Phrase Friday (37) – villainous descriptors, Sandringham in Outlander
- Five-Phrase Friday (38) – Outlander-inspired Scotland travel plans
- Five-Phrase Friday (39) – intimate look at one 17-year flying visitor
- Five-Phrase Friday (40) – gruesome, illegal acts (you’re here–don’t do it!)